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The loss of a child is the most heartbreaking experience a parent will ever experience. You want to make sure you’re doing right by their memory. And that includes hosting their memorial service in the most appropriate location, reading words that speak to your child’s life, and memorializing their life well.
Look below for memorial service ideas that’ll help guide you and give you special opportunities to share the beauty of your child’s life with others.
Jump ahead to these sections:
- Memorial Service Program or Event Ideas for the Loss of a Child
- Memorial Service Reading Ideas for the Loss of a Child
- Permanent Memorial Ideas for the Loss of a Child
Memorial Service Program or Event Ideas for the Loss of a Child
When figuring out how to plan a memorial service to honor the life of a child, the first step is often to contact a funeral home. A professional funeral director can support and guide you as you determine the details of the gathering or event, as well as the service program.
You may also decide to take on this task yourself, or with help from supportive family members or friends. Contemporary services allow parents to be unique and enlist or express any belief system they hold. Whichever option you choose, here are some ideas for you to consider as you make your plans.
1. Gather at a children’s hospital
Choose some traditional memorial service elements that let you grieve appropriately, like a family luncheon at home or a larger group gathering where you can talk with family and friends.
Then consider an additional, optional location that will help you give back to the overall children’s community, such as:
- A children’s hospital to raise money for babies and other children afflicted with the same disease
- A children’s art or science museum, if it honors your child's interests
Giving back to the community during moments of great heartache is often cathartic. You’ll know that you’re helping other parents and children, some of whom may be experiencing the same heartbreaking journeys.
2. Contemporary memorial service
Contemporary memorial services can be held in just about any location the family wants. With little to no limitation, the parents can opt for places such as a lakeside, the beach, the family backyard, a park, or even a golf course. This type of service allows for unique and personal additions, including:
- Rituals and orders of service arenot confined to a certain sequence or music or prayer selection. If you choose to gather at an event room or park, you can welcome everyone to sit and chat with each other before beginning the service or offering remarks of any kind. At a beach, you might ask that everyone gather in a circle so the wind doesn't carry voices too far away.
- Objects and other memorabilia present are not limited to photos or flowers. A display table is typical where mourners can see items of note or merit. The family can opt to bring blankets and shoes for babies or toddlers, toys for young children, and such things as instruments or athletic gear for younger teens or adults. While no longer mandatory, photo albums are also common.
3. Annual graveside memorial service
An annual graveside memorial service allows a family to hold ceremonies directly at the cemetery without incurring additional costs. There, mourners can gather around the child's grave and share stories in a private, almost intimate setting. Consider the following options for your annual service:
- An opening statement from one of the parents, welcoming everyone as they share in the child's memory together.
- A poem or a moment of silence that transitions from the initial commentary and helps people gather their attention and thoughts.
- An invitation to others to share stories so that you can keep the child's memory alive in everyone's hearts. You might want to make this request ahead of time. That will give everyone a chance to think of those touching, sad, or joyful moments that were vital to their experience of your child’s life.
- Live music is sometimes sung or played, but it’s not necessary for this service. Instead, you may opt to play songs downloaded on your phone. You can also create a playlist to share with guests after the memorial.
After you’ve gathered at the cemetery, invite people to your home for a small meal and some conversation.
4. Hybrid memorial service
Hybrid services give your guests the opportunity to attend the event in person or online. They help bridge geographies no matter how far or wide so that your community can be together with you, supporting you through this difficult time.
That way, those who want to participate in the ceremony don't have to worry about such things as the logistics of their location, having sufficient time to leave home, or passing on any bugs or viruses.
Memorial Service Reading Ideas for the Loss of a Child
Optional religious and non-religious readings from well-known children's books, sacred texts, and even a few songs are found below.
5. From A.A. Milne's The House at Pooh Corner
Another shorter version of this quote comes straight from a Disney movie. It's misattributed so often to A.A. Milne that I don't doubt I've done it myself. But the actual quote comes from The House at Pooh Corner. Christopher Robin begins,
"I'm not going to do Nothing any more."
"Never again?" (Pooh says)
"Well, not so much. They don't let you."
And it ends with Pooh talking to Christopher Robin,
"Understand what?"
"Oh, nothing." He laughed and jumped to his feet. "Come on!" (Christopher Robin says)
"Where?" said Pooh.
"Anywhere," said Christopher Robin."
While the shorter version sums up this conversation well, the full version is much more powerful.
6. "A Child of Mine" by Edgar Albert Guest
Guest's poem, "A Child of Mine," is written from two perspectives – God and parent. God tells the parent that he intends on leaving the child with them for six to seven years, perhaps even longer. The parent is to be the teacher, giving the child not just love but many lessons to learn.
Then the parent responds. The parent understands that there may come a time when God asks for the child to return to his side and Angels come to take the child home. But the parent agrees to care for them, knowing that the joy they'll experience comes at the cost of the grief they'll later feel.
7. "Starlings in Winter" by Mary Oliver
Find "Starlings in Winter" in Oliver's book, Owls and Other Fantasies: Poems and Essays. There, you'll discover several poems dedicated to birds of all species, providing an instant connection between humans and nature. We see rebirth and learn to find solace when watching the smallest lives prevail.
8. "Upon a Child that Died" by Robert Herrick
Robert Herrick's short poem is dark, and requires some contemplation. It can work as an additional reading you might share at a child's grave during an annual memorial service or wherever their ashes were scattered. Here's the poem in its entirety.
Here she lies, a pretty bud,
Lately made of flesh and blood,
Who as soon fell fast asleep
As her little eyes did peep.
Give her strewings, but not stir
The earth that lightly covers her.
9. Excerpt from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is the second most translated book ever, with a life's commentary that feels childlike but often resonates with adult philosophies. Here's one quote that may work for a small child's memorial.
"In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night."
Permanent Memorial Ideas for the Loss of a Child
Look below for permanent memorial ideas, from raising money to support healthy children and donating to earth-focused funds to giving back to various children’s communities.
10. Engraved river rocks
If your child was curious, loved nature, adventures, and exploring every minute of life with you outside, then consider leaving engraved stones in their memory. You may have painted one or two rocks, but this is slightly different.
Instead of painting, hire a company to engrave the stones, ensuring longevity. Perhaps you'll leave one at a nearby trail on a campground, or on a beach, engraved with a short saying, a feather, or a teddy bear.
11. Memorial endowment fund
Consider setting up a memorial endowment fund. This is a permanent fund that accepts donations in your child’s memory, then pays earnings from that fund to your chosen nonprofit group.
Crowdfunding campaigns are one way to raise money for a memorial fund. You can organize your campaign yourself or use options such as Wefunder, IndieGoGo, or Mighty Cause. These platforms charge fees to host your campaign.
If you don’t want to pay out to a third party, consider fundraising through a children’s hospital. All of the money raised in your child’s name will typically go to that institution.
12. Scholarship in honor
Create an opportunity for students at your child’s school to receive scholarships that reflect your loved one’s interests in math, oceanography, sailing, or whatever they loved most.
You’ll be giving your child’s classmates and those who follow behind in later class years an opportunity to follow that same path, that same dream.
13. Memorial bench
Spend time at the nearby arboretum or walk through a zoo or garden conservatory. Take note of the names engraved in brick pathways and the memorial benches dedicated to beloved family members.
Leaving a legacy behind for others to enjoy, take respite, or breathe a little easier may make for an ideal and permanent memorial for your child.
14. Plant a forest
Instead of accepting flowers and other gifts at your child’s memorial event, ask instead for everyone to plant a tree or a forest in honor of your child. Many agencies, including seed companies, offer ways for you to plant trees as memorial gifts, whether globally or as close as your backyard.
Creating a Lasting Memory of Your Child
All parents have a different approach to creating a lasting memory of their baby or child. For many, a memorial is how they begin to get through the pain of loss and move through the many stages of grief that will follow.
Sources:
- "Funeral Service 101." National Funeral Directors Association. https://nfda.org/news/funeral-service-101.
- "What Is a Memorial Endowment?" Wayne Community Foundation. https://www.waynecommunityfoundation.org/donor/establish-a-fund/memorial-endowment-fund/.
